AARRG I am so dead to myself.
I am not good with the physical failure of my body
aches and pains traveling in and out of the realm of my conscious thoughts
I don't know when I'll be sick and grumpy
I have missed Tango lessons and milongas
I have avoided my new friends- I do not think they are ready for the stranger in me yet...
They know the good me, the funny me, the witty pleasant me
they don't know the dark desert sandstorm of my forsaken soul
they fanned coals of my former life blaze as bright embers fanned by the winds of pain and fear
There is deep within me
no-lurking just beneath the surface of my thin veneer of gentility
I see people who have passion and art and am drawn to them
Much like my fore bearers were drawn to the heat of the fire found burning after the destructive fury of nature brought the mighty oak to the ground
I want to control the fire burning in me
but to release my passion I risk total immolation
would it be so bad to crash to the ground and burn with no survivors?
would I or could I rise like the Phoenix
or would my absence raise the world to atonement with God
Friday, September 25, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
What is this???? The Argentines have Tango!
Oh, my. I have lost my way, not to have seen the nose in front of my face.All these years of planning dreaming and scheming to go to Argentina, and I have missed the most Argentine thing of all....
THE DANCE OF PASSION CALLED TANGO !!!!!!
I have tripped and fallen into a world I now cannot live without. While working on my plans to sail to Argentina I stumbled across a thing I never could have missed. Tango. so so simple and yet so complex- It's only walking to music, right...?
But first more Poesy; I wrote this for a beautiful girl and it was not even acknowledged. I believe it was merely a step towards my future because I was led to explore my artistic side deeper than I have in years.It was as a result of this exploration that I found the Dance and the music, and fell in love with the big picture of the rest of my life and new direction
Et tu meus parum vulpes volpes Deus diriget
And you my little fox do as God directs
Find the future
Feel the power and the strength
To hunt out and remove
The pain and suffering
Of a people born in misery
Chase not the sour grapes of wealth and vainglory
Jump at the sun and chase the rainbow
God’s promise to the world
For at the source of the rainbow is the source of love eternal
And the rain washes clean sins past and unforgiven
Rest in the shade and protection of the Rock on which we stand
May peace and understanding bless your days
Well found with friends that care for the soul and spirit
And care not for the mortal coil
Shuffled off at the dreams end
Awaken sleeping dreamer
Shake off the gossamer web of deceit
The veil which hides and destroys our vision of the truth
Borne of the worlds illusion
Seeking to hold us to a path of lonely destruction
The real pain is the separation of soul from Creator for without this primal union you are cursed to walk among the dead spirits of those unable to dream of life beyond this world.
-Liam Zscheile
You know there are women out there that cry themselves to sleep because they have no romantic soul to serenade them;go figure
now on the other hand this little woman had no appreciation for Tango nor Bandoneon so she would have been left in the dust.
So now I know where all the other people who yearn to go to Argentina are; I felt as though I were the last of the Mohicans and now I have found my tribe.
Now the hard part -Add teaching myself to play Bandoneon to my three year list and only have 2 years 10 months left for that!
THE DANCE OF PASSION CALLED TANGO !!!!!!
I have tripped and fallen into a world I now cannot live without. While working on my plans to sail to Argentina I stumbled across a thing I never could have missed. Tango. so so simple and yet so complex- It's only walking to music, right...?
But first more Poesy; I wrote this for a beautiful girl and it was not even acknowledged. I believe it was merely a step towards my future because I was led to explore my artistic side deeper than I have in years.It was as a result of this exploration that I found the Dance and the music, and fell in love with the big picture of the rest of my life and new direction
Et tu meus parum vulpes volpes Deus diriget
And you my little fox do as God directs
Find the future
Feel the power and the strength
To hunt out and remove
The pain and suffering
Of a people born in misery
Chase not the sour grapes of wealth and vainglory
Jump at the sun and chase the rainbow
God’s promise to the world
For at the source of the rainbow is the source of love eternal
And the rain washes clean sins past and unforgiven
Rest in the shade and protection of the Rock on which we stand
May peace and understanding bless your days
Well found with friends that care for the soul and spirit
And care not for the mortal coil
Shuffled off at the dreams end
Awaken sleeping dreamer
Shake off the gossamer web of deceit
The veil which hides and destroys our vision of the truth
Borne of the worlds illusion
Seeking to hold us to a path of lonely destruction
The real pain is the separation of soul from Creator for without this primal union you are cursed to walk among the dead spirits of those unable to dream of life beyond this world.
-Liam Zscheile
You know there are women out there that cry themselves to sleep because they have no romantic soul to serenade them;go figure
now on the other hand this little woman had no appreciation for Tango nor Bandoneon so she would have been left in the dust.
So now I know where all the other people who yearn to go to Argentina are; I felt as though I were the last of the Mohicans and now I have found my tribe.
Now the hard part -Add teaching myself to play Bandoneon to my three year list and only have 2 years 10 months left for that!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Long Time No Sea, more Poesy
It was a dark and stormy night...
OK so no real writers were sacrificed in the writing of this blog
Still no title for the boat still no sails nor paint on the bottom and worst of all no first mate.
Oh well, keep trying!
Open my eyes Lord , hear my prayer
Fallen adventurer
driven to my knees and still I reach for you
I see the world crashing around and still
a small voice stills the fear and the pain
I strain to hear knowing that it is my ear that is broken and
your voice cries out in the wilderness
Prepare Prepare
the wind howls and I must tame it
Prepare Prepare
The Sun burns and I must harness it
Prepare Prepare
The hunger comes and I must feed it
The sea calls me to a watery baptism
driven to ride a storm around the world
In a wooden bassinet to rebirth my soul
a process to remake myself
as I could have been
as I should have been
before
my fall from grace
Le marl Le marl ancient world of rock and stone
you lie beneath the wildly tossing sea
and so reflect the currents of my soul,
a place lost and never found
remembered only in glimpses of the future which could have been mine and ours
why Oh why my wandering mind
focus Focus remember the curse and purpose of your existence
to find and seek and bring back fire to the dead eyes which cry goodbye
My cocoon of teak and glass
will split forth on new shores
as I spread my gossamer wings
purple red green flashing in the sky
a glowing Borealis to see me off
ne'er will I touch the land
e'er will I fly across the Water
and leave humanity's curse far behind
OK so no real writers were sacrificed in the writing of this blog
Still no title for the boat still no sails nor paint on the bottom and worst of all no first mate.
Oh well, keep trying!
Open my eyes Lord , hear my prayer
Fallen adventurer
driven to my knees and still I reach for you
I see the world crashing around and still
a small voice stills the fear and the pain
I strain to hear knowing that it is my ear that is broken and
your voice cries out in the wilderness
Prepare Prepare
the wind howls and I must tame it
Prepare Prepare
The Sun burns and I must harness it
Prepare Prepare
The hunger comes and I must feed it
The sea calls me to a watery baptism
driven to ride a storm around the world
In a wooden bassinet to rebirth my soul
a process to remake myself
as I could have been
as I should have been
before
my fall from grace
Le marl Le marl ancient world of rock and stone
you lie beneath the wildly tossing sea
and so reflect the currents of my soul,
a place lost and never found
remembered only in glimpses of the future which could have been mine and ours
why Oh why my wandering mind
focus Focus remember the curse and purpose of your existence
to find and seek and bring back fire to the dead eyes which cry goodbye
My cocoon of teak and glass
will split forth on new shores
as I spread my gossamer wings
purple red green flashing in the sky
a glowing Borealis to see me off
ne'er will I touch the land
e'er will I fly across the Water
and leave humanity's curse far behind
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Anchors Aweigh
Hey, I hadn't realized I was away for so long. now, 2 days before my 10 year clean date, I found some boat stuff on Craigslist of Annapolis. I bought a WindBugger windvane battery charger and two anchors- a Bruce, and a CQR. I could have bought chinese new off of FeePay, but I wanted name brand stuff for the deep blue sea. I don't have a lot of time right now, but will update on my clean date.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Howdy Y'all.
It's been a while since I sat and updated, interesting things afoot it seems. with the coming of my tenth anniversary of being clean, through the gift of Narcotics anonymous, I am full speed ahead into my new and different life.
I should have been announcing the arrival of my boat, but was distracted by the wreckage of my past.
to preface this remark, I had set Feb 2 2009 as they do or die decision date by which to judge which path to take, the normal "yes Dear" life of marriage and domesticity or a life on the bounding main. the sea that is.
Before you think this is a decision lightly made , I have been praying for Godly direction for nearly two years.
I received my answer the weekend prior to Feb. 2
Having called my estranged wife who lives in Florida with her father and her ex-husband's 4 kid's, I wound up speaking to my Father-in-Law, as my wife was at work. Knowing that my wife's ex was moving down to Fla. to be near his kids, and knowing that he is despised by said Father -In -Law, I jokingly said, " so when's Bob(loser ex) moving in"
The joke was on me , for unknown to me he really WAS moving in.
The other significant answer to my wondering mind was the actual arrival of my boat, Fey Sol. I was scrounging money and dealing trades like never before, I think I may have actually sold my soul to the devil, but I got It back on a motorcycle trade somewhere later in the game, and besides what would he want with the likes of me anyway.I'm way too high maintenance.
so here I am praying for what to do and my soon to be ex-wife lets her ex move in and my other option ,the boat shows up right at the time I asked for the answer!!!!
anyway it appears my "ship has come in"
hahaha
It's been a while since I sat and updated, interesting things afoot it seems. with the coming of my tenth anniversary of being clean, through the gift of Narcotics anonymous, I am full speed ahead into my new and different life.
I should have been announcing the arrival of my boat, but was distracted by the wreckage of my past.
to preface this remark, I had set Feb 2 2009 as they do or die decision date by which to judge which path to take, the normal "yes Dear" life of marriage and domesticity or a life on the bounding main. the sea that is.
Before you think this is a decision lightly made , I have been praying for Godly direction for nearly two years.
I received my answer the weekend prior to Feb. 2
Having called my estranged wife who lives in Florida with her father and her ex-husband's 4 kid's, I wound up speaking to my Father-in-Law, as my wife was at work. Knowing that my wife's ex was moving down to Fla. to be near his kids, and knowing that he is despised by said Father -In -Law, I jokingly said, " so when's Bob(loser ex) moving in"
The joke was on me , for unknown to me he really WAS moving in.
The other significant answer to my wondering mind was the actual arrival of my boat, Fey Sol. I was scrounging money and dealing trades like never before, I think I may have actually sold my soul to the devil, but I got It back on a motorcycle trade somewhere later in the game, and besides what would he want with the likes of me anyway.I'm way too high maintenance.
so here I am praying for what to do and my soon to be ex-wife lets her ex move in and my other option ,the boat shows up right at the time I asked for the answer!!!!
anyway it appears my "ship has come in"
hahaha
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Stop me in Belize
It's 20 degrees in the morning sun here on the Chesapeake. A light dusting of snow covers the ground around me as I look out the window I remember thinking "the air has frozen and fallen to the ground in little white piles" and I go back to sleep
I decided not to go to my regular office today, and go to check out some abandoned vehicles my friend has. I wind up with a 05 Altima, a Chevy Dump truck, and a Buick with the front bashed in. while moving these cars around I start up an old Marquis and it is full of gas. He throws it in too, which is good because I can drive it till it's empty, and then use the 302 engine in a powerboat I'm selling to pay for the Aleutka Sailboat
When we went to lunch, I extol the virtues of what I think life would be like in a tropical paradise
We were trying to think of a way of
life where work is fun and everybody is excited by the new day
M sister started this , when in a contemplative moment she stated that she and her girlfriend dreamt of a beachfront bar in Costa Rica
My first thought was of course, "what's this girl look like?"
and then I thought, "what about my brother in law and the kids?"
just doesn't fit the lifestyle you know.
however maybe I could squeeze the money together and get it started and then roll out when she wanted to take it over, I'm assuming that would be however long the divorce took and the kids grow up...
I would be glad to stay with her friend as long as she didn't get too attached. I really am done with the whole wife and kids thing myself- It just doesn't work for some people
Any way my friend wants to buy an airport in Pa. I said why buy one in PA when one in a tropical Paradise probably costs the same, and if the airport Idea doesn't take off(pun intended) you still have a piece of ground in a tropical paradise
I may have reached him, I'll let you know
I decided not to go to my regular office today, and go to check out some abandoned vehicles my friend has. I wind up with a 05 Altima, a Chevy Dump truck, and a Buick with the front bashed in. while moving these cars around I start up an old Marquis and it is full of gas. He throws it in too, which is good because I can drive it till it's empty, and then use the 302 engine in a powerboat I'm selling to pay for the Aleutka Sailboat
When we went to lunch, I extol the virtues of what I think life would be like in a tropical paradise
We were trying to think of a way of
life where work is fun and everybody is excited by the new day
M sister started this , when in a contemplative moment she stated that she and her girlfriend dreamt of a beachfront bar in Costa Rica
My first thought was of course, "what's this girl look like?"
and then I thought, "what about my brother in law and the kids?"
just doesn't fit the lifestyle you know.
however maybe I could squeeze the money together and get it started and then roll out when she wanted to take it over, I'm assuming that would be however long the divorce took and the kids grow up...
I would be glad to stay with her friend as long as she didn't get too attached. I really am done with the whole wife and kids thing myself- It just doesn't work for some people
Any way my friend wants to buy an airport in Pa. I said why buy one in PA when one in a tropical Paradise probably costs the same, and if the airport Idea doesn't take off(pun intended) you still have a piece of ground in a tropical paradise
I may have reached him, I'll let you know
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Ice glaze on the world
An ice storm covered the Mid-Atlantic this morning, glazing ,encrypting and holding this world right where I need to remember it
I woke up late this morning, deep in sleep I struggled to reach the Phone, screaming for my attention. why do I even answer it - it is rude. It interrupts conversations, plays loud sounds in movie theatres, and even frequently disturbs a tender moment when all is good.
I should be awake, the caller says- but no, they forgot I have been Ill lately.
I was dreaming , I was on the water, alone.
Sailing following the song of the wind over the waves, gentle lapping calling for my soul song to sing out this is real, this is life, find me and take me to the furthest shore!
I sought refuge in my solitude and the incessant ringing brought me back to this world.
the Land of Broken Dreams
where your house was just another foreclosure, a payment away from being a home, freedom as attainable as the wind through your open hands, the ones you call your family live beyond your mournful grasp,and you wonder why you bother with the next payment
a payment from your heart full of blood and tears and sweat
but it's a payment on someone Else's debt and the interest is killing you
because it's not what you want anymore
it's really not what you ever wanted
It's a dream they sold me when I was too young to know better
in a time when love was special and lasted forever and a day
before you were revealed to be as the Romans said "monstros, horribile in aspectum"
before you discovered the truth about life and survival in the world was less like a jungle
Ne amo te Sabide, nec possum dicere qua re.
now I see my only escape is to get away
I heard the sea call before
but I only came to the beach
and run in fear like a child when the waves crested above my small learning
for years I have ignored the sirens and their deadly call, but when the fear of staying as I am
surpasses the fear of finding true life I will sail into the eye of the Hurricane and therein find my solitary peace
I woke up late this morning, deep in sleep I struggled to reach the Phone, screaming for my attention. why do I even answer it - it is rude. It interrupts conversations, plays loud sounds in movie theatres, and even frequently disturbs a tender moment when all is good.
I should be awake, the caller says- but no, they forgot I have been Ill lately.
I was dreaming , I was on the water, alone.
Sailing following the song of the wind over the waves, gentle lapping calling for my soul song to sing out this is real, this is life, find me and take me to the furthest shore!
I sought refuge in my solitude and the incessant ringing brought me back to this world.
the Land of Broken Dreams
where your house was just another foreclosure, a payment away from being a home, freedom as attainable as the wind through your open hands, the ones you call your family live beyond your mournful grasp,and you wonder why you bother with the next payment
a payment from your heart full of blood and tears and sweat
but it's a payment on someone Else's debt and the interest is killing you
because it's not what you want anymore
it's really not what you ever wanted
It's a dream they sold me when I was too young to know better
in a time when love was special and lasted forever and a day
before you were revealed to be as the Romans said "monstros, horribile in aspectum"
before you discovered the truth about life and survival in the world was less like a jungle
Ne amo te Sabide, nec possum dicere qua re.
now I see my only escape is to get away
I heard the sea call before
but I only came to the beach
and run in fear like a child when the waves crested above my small learning
for years I have ignored the sirens and their deadly call, but when the fear of staying as I am
surpasses the fear of finding true life I will sail into the eye of the Hurricane and therein find my solitary peace
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)